JUST LET IT SIMPLY BE (MAYBE?)

Ok-got tore down a notch today on my info about visiting my family-maybe i am not really sure what this is suppose to help me accomplish-started with james' blog and knew it helped me and then i thought well-everything he is saying  does make sense-lets see what i can do with it-but maybe i just need to  back  up and make it simple-thats what i seem to keep hearing-so bear with me-gonna get back to what i hope to accomplish with this-hopefully just finding me which is really all i need to do-us drunks get bigger than we are at times!-so take care-i hope i can find myself-and yes james i did read this before i posted-take care-cynthia

OH SO MUCH ON MY MIND

Well-went home for the holiday weekend-love my family-love to spend time with them-wonder if anyone out there can help me figure out this feeling of emptiness i get from not being able to express myself to them-i used to would try and then realized i was just going home and would cause drama when i was there because im not there all the time and those that are there all the time live there everyday so they are used to the drama-then i started seeing it as the ones there everyday cause the drama-and now im starting to see it as the same old crap i grew up with and i want to help change it for the little ones there-my great niece and great nephew especially-so that they dont have to follow my footsteps-havent been here in a few days-no access to secure computer-glad to be back-feedback on this will be helpful-dont think the folks in charge will take my advice but the kids surely did love my help this weekend and that makes me feel good and want to keep helping-thanks all and much love to jim for helping me get this ball rolling-cynthia

JUST ANOTHER DAY IN NOT PARADISE

Not much today folks-met with yet another counselor-all due to my and my kids problems-one of these days we gonna be counseled to death-but thats what happens when the goverment comes into your life-i am truly a good person had some crap happen- a husband/father to die and things just went heywire when the kid got older-so here we are and cant get myself out of this mess-meet with people all the time and i know what they mean but lord help-this is really my tax money at work??!!-anyway here i sit wanting to make my life better-so send me your love, your support and hopefully, like jim. i will get thru this-know tonights post isnt much but cant do it everyday-lots on my mind-love the help though-trying so much to be positive-take care-cynthia

IS HONESTY THE BEST POLICY

hey everyone just got finished with my counselor-wow-honesty is hard very hard-but probably in the long run worth it-and if its worth it then its ok right-did something yesterday at work that was hard and it might not have been the "correct" thing to do but my heart said do it and i was recgonized by the boss man for it-and now i question myself but guess what-i also feel good about it-change can only come about one step at a time-like james has been help teaching me-so baby steps like ive been taking-got to stand for something, right--anyway not really much to say tonight-like i said-lot on my mind-the counselor has given me much to think on-just wanted to get this out there and let your comments reflect back on me-at this time in our country and people being afraid,not concerned,dont really give a crap about anything-well to me yesterday when i made my little stand i felt important-i think we have all sat back too damn long and thought our thoughts didnt matter-tired of feeling that way and my opinion does matter-so feed me back your thoughts on this-we can make a difference-i can help one person be better and they can help me just like james is doing-take care-much love-cynthia

Made it thru Monday

Hey-right now just want to share a poem--ME-i cant get to the real me because i guess i just cant see that the real me is who God intends me to be--He made me as a baby of folks who fell in love but thru the years came to fall so much back out of love--Yet i was there and saw it all and here today i stand, that person, warts and all because thats who i am--blame them, blame me, blame life it doesnt matter much to me, cause this is the here and now pretty much all it can be--but what if i decide to say no more then how can my life change, if just by doing certain things my life i could somehow rearrange-by setting myself up for better, would better things come about-or just sitting on my ass and wondering why i felt so left out-so get off my butt quit my whining-this is life now let things go-change can come-change will come this is my life now make it so-thanks for your support-trying to be that better person-cynthia

SOME DAYS YOU JUST HAVE TO WONDER-AND THEN TO PRAY

mondays can always be a weird day for some reason-personalities getting back together,maybe,after a weekend apart-dont really know-cant write much right now-too much to sort thru-it is now 9pm here-see if i feel like i can do this later-like i said-work personalities -cant seem to say what i want to say-cant seem to be who i need to be and know in my heart cant be anything but my self-help me with your wisdom and knowledge to see me thru times of getting me over the other side

TGIF

Not sure this is a good time to post as i feel worn out like im just SO  tired-while i know in the following weeks i will hopefully feel better-right now i just dont-the abuse i have heaped on my body for so long may be taking its toll or the emotions i have been going thru-dont know just know im tired-have been trying to make up a list of the things my counselor asked of me last night-hes this guy who has just started working with my child and me to help us learn how to be better people-remember the court drama i mentioned yesterday-and he wants me to make a list or write my story of how i have come to this place in my life and to be honest-which if youre going to a counselor and youre not then youre just wasting everybodys time-he feels that the reason i have been doing what ive been doing all these years is running from,hiding from,self medicating because of whatever and i have to get to the bottom of that so i can start to feel like the wonderful person that everyone around me sees and stop feeling like the piece of crap that i feel doesnt deserve a good life-but when you have felt this way for this length of time i cant just do it overnight-so anyway my homework is to write about the total me,warts and all, and boy aint this going to be a blast-my first sentence was a putdown of myself and he says when i do that i have to come up with a rebuttal-so i may never get past the first sentence!!seriously tho im looking forward to getting honest with myself and to finding out the total me cause i really do think shes a person i would love-i think the screwed up me is actually ok at times-just got to get out of this dark place i seem to go at times-anyway not sure if this is a post i should even put up but then again there goes that negative crap so just hit the send key girl and get this out there-for tonight-take care all