Thursday, August 26, 2010
A DAY FULL OF UPS AND DOWNS
Started to name this a day full of highs and lows but then thought how funny-i ain't high!-this has been a very emotionally draining day for me and i wish i was able to relate the whole story to all who are reading but lets just take it one step at a time and tell the tale another day-right now lets just say it has involved my child and the courts and leave it at that-nothing bad just drama to the max involving our pasts and it is all finally coming together but still emotional and all-the outcome at this moment seems to be turning out for the best so at this point in my life at least something is-i am thinking about my future right now like ive never thought of it before-being a single mom has always made me put myself in the background and always do for my child and never really think about myself-of course the drinking sure didnt help either and in doing that all i WAS doing was thinking about me-isnt that funny how that happened-but in not putting myself first and being the best me i could be i was actually hurting my child-because to be a good mom you gotta think about your own health first-we just dont do that and i wonder why-we read all these magazines and watch all these talk shows and all so its not like theyre not telling us this-but at the same time we think we gotta be super mom and feel so miserable when we fail or our kid didnt turn out like what we thought and then think-oh if id done that or this-but life doesnt work that way-you really only get one chance and you cant undo-so while my past will always define who i am and the mistakes ive made will always be there neither of them have to make me any less of the person i am now trying to become-so im tired of being miserable,tired of hating myself for a less than perfect person/friend/mom/daughter and i am really ready to get to work on becoming a better me-not a perfect me but a better me-like the movie says-get busy living or get busy dying-i have spent enough time breathing while dying-i think its about time i spend my breaths on LIVING-take care-cynthia
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Wow, Cynthia, you have just really expressed yourself so well and everything that you said makes a lot of sense! That's really awesome! I can see that you truly are on the road to recovery, and I'm one of many who are here cheering you on!
ReplyDeleteOne thing that's so true that I had to accept when my son died was that you only get one chance and you can't undo. I kept getting caught up in the "if only I'd done this" & "if only I'd done that," and that wasn't going to bring my son back, so I had to realize, as you said, that we only get one chance and we can't undo the past. But it has made me more sensitive to others who are recovering from their addictions and wanting to be there for them. And I believe my son, Jimmy, would want me to do this too. Portland has a lot of homeless people, especially in downtown Portland, and my heart goes out to them, because many of them are struggling with addictions, but many of them are getting help through some good organizations and getting their lives back together.
But I'm so proud of you and Jim that you both seem to be working things out your own way. I think these blogs are an excellent way. Keep up the good work, Cynthia! I look forward to reading your blogs each day! Nancy
Cynthia, you can choose to love or hate yourself for any reason you can think of, but if the reason you choose to hate yourself is because you're a less than perfect person who makes mistakes, then you're being awfully hard on yourself for something we're all guilty of. Even if it looks like some of us have made better decisions than you have, things are seldom as good or bad as they seem. Please do cut yourself a little slack.
ReplyDeleteWe're all in the same boat as you to one degree or another. No one has done everything right. We've all done things we're ashamed of and can't undo. We all need to learn from our mistakes, and it's never too late! You're on the right path. Keep arguing with the voices in your head that keep saying you're no good. We can't continue to buy into the half truths and lies we tell ourselves (and sometimes other tell us), or we'd all hate ourselves.
One of the attributes of love is forgiveness. We all need to learn to forgive ourselves and others if we want to learn to truly love ourselves and others. That's what grace is all about.
Blessings,
Jack
i am vcatching up, it is nice to see you open up to the world, it is easy to lie to ourselves but when we are in the spotlight it makes it alot harder, theres a bigger chance someone will call bullshit on us, keep it coming, the healing will begin
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