JUST LET IT SIMPLY BE (MAYBE?)

Ok-got tore down a notch today on my info about visiting my family-maybe i am not really sure what this is suppose to help me accomplish-started with james' blog and knew it helped me and then i thought well-everything he is saying  does make sense-lets see what i can do with it-but maybe i just need to  back  up and make it simple-thats what i seem to keep hearing-so bear with me-gonna get back to what i hope to accomplish with this-hopefully just finding me which is really all i need to do-us drunks get bigger than we are at times!-so take care-i hope i can find myself-and yes james i did read this before i posted-take care-cynthia

OH SO MUCH ON MY MIND

Well-went home for the holiday weekend-love my family-love to spend time with them-wonder if anyone out there can help me figure out this feeling of emptiness i get from not being able to express myself to them-i used to would try and then realized i was just going home and would cause drama when i was there because im not there all the time and those that are there all the time live there everyday so they are used to the drama-then i started seeing it as the ones there everyday cause the drama-and now im starting to see it as the same old crap i grew up with and i want to help change it for the little ones there-my great niece and great nephew especially-so that they dont have to follow my footsteps-havent been here in a few days-no access to secure computer-glad to be back-feedback on this will be helpful-dont think the folks in charge will take my advice but the kids surely did love my help this weekend and that makes me feel good and want to keep helping-thanks all and much love to jim for helping me get this ball rolling-cynthia

JUST ANOTHER DAY IN NOT PARADISE

Not much today folks-met with yet another counselor-all due to my and my kids problems-one of these days we gonna be counseled to death-but thats what happens when the goverment comes into your life-i am truly a good person had some crap happen- a husband/father to die and things just went heywire when the kid got older-so here we are and cant get myself out of this mess-meet with people all the time and i know what they mean but lord help-this is really my tax money at work??!!-anyway here i sit wanting to make my life better-so send me your love, your support and hopefully, like jim. i will get thru this-know tonights post isnt much but cant do it everyday-lots on my mind-love the help though-trying so much to be positive-take care-cynthia

IS HONESTY THE BEST POLICY

hey everyone just got finished with my counselor-wow-honesty is hard very hard-but probably in the long run worth it-and if its worth it then its ok right-did something yesterday at work that was hard and it might not have been the "correct" thing to do but my heart said do it and i was recgonized by the boss man for it-and now i question myself but guess what-i also feel good about it-change can only come about one step at a time-like james has been help teaching me-so baby steps like ive been taking-got to stand for something, right--anyway not really much to say tonight-like i said-lot on my mind-the counselor has given me much to think on-just wanted to get this out there and let your comments reflect back on me-at this time in our country and people being afraid,not concerned,dont really give a crap about anything-well to me yesterday when i made my little stand i felt important-i think we have all sat back too damn long and thought our thoughts didnt matter-tired of feeling that way and my opinion does matter-so feed me back your thoughts on this-we can make a difference-i can help one person be better and they can help me just like james is doing-take care-much love-cynthia

Made it thru Monday

Hey-right now just want to share a poem--ME-i cant get to the real me because i guess i just cant see that the real me is who God intends me to be--He made me as a baby of folks who fell in love but thru the years came to fall so much back out of love--Yet i was there and saw it all and here today i stand, that person, warts and all because thats who i am--blame them, blame me, blame life it doesnt matter much to me, cause this is the here and now pretty much all it can be--but what if i decide to say no more then how can my life change, if just by doing certain things my life i could somehow rearrange-by setting myself up for better, would better things come about-or just sitting on my ass and wondering why i felt so left out-so get off my butt quit my whining-this is life now let things go-change can come-change will come this is my life now make it so-thanks for your support-trying to be that better person-cynthia

SOME DAYS YOU JUST HAVE TO WONDER-AND THEN TO PRAY

mondays can always be a weird day for some reason-personalities getting back together,maybe,after a weekend apart-dont really know-cant write much right now-too much to sort thru-it is now 9pm here-see if i feel like i can do this later-like i said-work personalities -cant seem to say what i want to say-cant seem to be who i need to be and know in my heart cant be anything but my self-help me with your wisdom and knowledge to see me thru times of getting me over the other side

TGIF

Not sure this is a good time to post as i feel worn out like im just SO  tired-while i know in the following weeks i will hopefully feel better-right now i just dont-the abuse i have heaped on my body for so long may be taking its toll or the emotions i have been going thru-dont know just know im tired-have been trying to make up a list of the things my counselor asked of me last night-hes this guy who has just started working with my child and me to help us learn how to be better people-remember the court drama i mentioned yesterday-and he wants me to make a list or write my story of how i have come to this place in my life and to be honest-which if youre going to a counselor and youre not then youre just wasting everybodys time-he feels that the reason i have been doing what ive been doing all these years is running from,hiding from,self medicating because of whatever and i have to get to the bottom of that so i can start to feel like the wonderful person that everyone around me sees and stop feeling like the piece of crap that i feel doesnt deserve a good life-but when you have felt this way for this length of time i cant just do it overnight-so anyway my homework is to write about the total me,warts and all, and boy aint this going to be a blast-my first sentence was a putdown of myself and he says when i do that i have to come up with a rebuttal-so i may never get past the first sentence!!seriously tho im looking forward to getting honest with myself and to finding out the total me cause i really do think shes a person i would love-i think the screwed up me is actually ok at times-just got to get out of this dark place i seem to go at times-anyway not sure if this is a post i should even put up but then again there goes that negative crap so just hit the send key girl and get this out there-for tonight-take care all

A DAY FULL OF UPS AND DOWNS

Started to name  this a day full of highs and lows but then thought how funny-i ain't high!-this has been a very emotionally draining day for me and i wish i was able to relate the whole story to all who are reading but lets just take it one step at a time and tell the tale another day-right now lets just say it has involved my child and the courts and leave it at that-nothing bad just drama to the max involving our pasts and it is all finally coming together but still emotional and all-the outcome at this moment seems to be turning out for the best so at this point in my life at least something is-i am thinking about my future right now like ive never thought of it before-being a single mom has always made me put myself in the background and always do for my child and never really think about myself-of course the drinking sure didnt help either and in doing that all i WAS doing was thinking about me-isnt that funny how that happened-but in not putting myself first and being the best me i could be i was actually hurting my child-because to be a good mom you gotta think about your own health first-we just dont do that and i wonder why-we read all these magazines and watch all these talk shows and all so its not like theyre not telling us this-but at the same time we think we gotta be super mom and feel so miserable when we fail or our kid didnt turn out like what we thought and then think-oh if id done that or this-but life doesnt work that way-you really only get one chance and you cant undo-so while my past will always define who i am and the mistakes ive made will always be there neither of them have to make me any less of the person i am now trying to become-so im tired of being miserable,tired of hating myself for a less than perfect person/friend/mom/daughter and i am really ready to get to work on becoming a better me-not a perfect me but a better me-like the movie says-get busy living or get busy dying-i have spent enough time breathing while dying-i think its about time i spend my breaths on LIVING-take care-cynthia

HUMP DAY LIKE THE WORLDS BIGGEST SPEED BUMP DAY

Well-here we are:  the day that you're having making you wonder why you  want to get up and do the same thing tomorrow-guess its like the old country,corny song-never promised you a rose garden-but does it have to mean walking thru a brier patch either-sorry--thats my pity party for this moment-notice i didn't say the day since it ain't over but you get my drift-anyway-i work with this one lady who has ALWAYS been sick a bunch ihope yall get what i mean by this-in my job i see people who are REALLY sick-you guys out there reading this know where im coming from-to the coworker i say-shut up until you are the one who is really sick and the start your whining-til then quit your bitching-anyway, this is still going ok for me but still struggling like i knew i would-like i said about the coupla days i wasn't here life threw me a curveball-hell-i owned the world series for those by now(in my life,anyway i feel,not to some who have been thru so much worse than me)-it just seems like they all come at such a bad time-then i start to thinking-well,when is a good time for life to suck-when i look back over jims blog who inspired me to do this i know i am rambling so please bear with me maybe i can figure this out one day and write more coherently but for now this is just me-so anyway i do my job and i come home to the same old problems and the same old empty feelings and i know that nothing is going to solve these but me getting honest with myself and since its so soon in this battle i decided to open the bible-now i am sure not going to turn turn this in anything biblical-christian-religious but i thought to my myself hell ive tried everything else and besides i truly do think jesus is a man i could definitely sit down and talk to-his dad,im still scared of him,we hopefully will get there in time-anyway i opened my bible just let it fall and this is where i landed in psalms-call out for understanding-search for it as silver-turn your ear to wisdom-you will find it-this is all of course paraphrased-but it meant to me what jim and i and all of who have been seeking SO DAMN LONG-we can find it if we truly want it- i know jim is on his way and i am trying to also-i realize this is rambling but work has been busy,not stressful,not physical but dealing with sickness day in and out does take its toll-also my own things going on which will be dealt with in a later blog -i hope-thank you again for the kind words-and just for knowing that you truly take the time to read what i have to say even when what i might say is stupid/boringwhatever to you-means a bunch to someone who is smart enough to be here but stupid enough to let it all go-Cynthia

this is today

Ok they say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step-well, in this case, i'm starting with a single drive AWAY from the liquor store-why is it that the thing that is so bad for me is the thing I can't seem to stop thinking about-anyway,I did it and I am actually proud of myself-baby step I know,but MY baby step-I want to thank those who have sent me thoughts and prayers and comments, especially the one about the self-medicating-I have known this for so long and still kept doing the same old, same old-hopefully,as I get myself less foggy headed and thinking straighter in the days and weeks and months and years to come(hey,I can dream big,can't I!!) the feelings of worthlessness and shame and guilt won't consume me and I can be the person I'm supposed to be-not hiding behind a mask_i know in my heart that I'm a GOOD person. a decent person-I'm just tired of where I am in my life-so let's get on with this journey and keep driving right on by that store with the stuff I want but just don't need anymore-hopefully, this writing will get easier as the days go on-lots of things I want to share with those I hope to meet on this journey-Thanks all and most of all to James-for this day-Cynthia

saturday night

ok-sitting here wondering how  to do this-my problem tonight is with my faith-have no problem believing in Jesus-have a problem believing in God-Jesus, to me, was an actual person who walked the face of the earth-God is this mythical figure, heaven  is this place that im not sure i can think is real-please help me figure this out-spoken with my mom, my pastor-both tell me i'm being too analytical-overthinking-well,isn't that  why we have brains-willing to ponder your answers-thanks-cyndi                     

a few minutes

i just texted an old friend of mine-why was she ever my friend-she is prejudiced and that is not someone i need in my life-so adios old friend-8/21/10

trying it on

ok lets see if this is going to work-my name is cynthia and i am following another blog and he is trying to help me get my life back-lord knows nothing else has-so lets hope this might-to begin-i am 110 yrs old-haha-just feel that way-and i have been drinking for most of those years and guess what-i am ready to stop-but the drink is not ready for me to-so can i be stronger than the bottle or is the bottle gonna take me down-so far the latter-it seems to have controlled my life thus far-but you know something-i dont even enjoy it anymore-just a habit i suppose-so i am going to reach out like james did and maybe someone-anyone-out there can help me with this-god knows i can not do this on my own-thanks

My Daughter is home!

She brought me home a hamburger happy meal, and now I'm happy. Dork, according to her! Can't wait to see everyone follow me.

today

ok now wHAT DO I DO JUST TYPE WHATS ON MY MIND OR WHAT HOW WILL I KNOW IF ITS WORKING AH THE WONDER OF THE INTERNET